Within there was a panicked scrambling. I had to get somewhere or do something to alleviate the gnawing hole in my gut.
I tried everything there is to try… I chased the superficial. I lusted after and attained the perfect body, the desirably located condo complete with stainless steel appliances and slate countertops.
The cutting edge fashion; expensive purses and 4 inch heels. The painstakingly created facade of perfection. Not a hair out of place, but withering inside.
I thought if I did what they told me, and bought all the things that I would find happiness there. I thought I would be satiated with $15, 000 in the bank, a diamond ring on my finger and a warm body in my bed.
I really believed hitting this year’s sales targets would do it. Or moving to a prettier city. Or being single and then again coupled. This desperate search grew even more frenetic. The moodswings and despair so uncontrollable and baffling. IF I WAS DOING IT ALL RIGHT WHY THE HELL DID I FEEL SO DEAD.
Oh and the anxiety. It just felt so wrong. I felt trapped in my body, in my life, in my head. I wondered where happiness was. I knew it was somewhere.
So I kept looking. I looked for it at the bottom of a bottle, in a baggie filled with powder, in the throbbing sweaty enclaves of pounding bass filled basements, in the well muscled arms of strangers, struggling to carry endless bags of shiny things out of the mall into the parking lot, in food and in not eating.
I couldn’t sit still, be in my own head for too long. It was terrifying. So many voices snarling at me, yelling at me, berating me and bullying me. DONT JUST SIT THERE YOU CANT JUST SIT THERE GO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!
I’d be puzzled by my reflection. At the stranger with haunted eyes staring back at me. Who the hell was this chick?
So I pushed onwards. Flogged by the voices and the desperate longing to feel ok. To feel at peace. Brief respite was found in the height of blackout drunken oblivion when I finally did. not.care. Could.not.feel. Could.not.think. Was finally removed from the hell that was my life.
I was not ready to examine what I’d been told. Happiness is within. Bullshit, I thought. I don’t have anything like that. And I didn’t, because I could not see it, and was not aware of it.
I did not know then that I am a child of the universe. I did not know that tingly spacelike energy stuff is at the nucleus of every cell of my being. I did not know that within, deep within exists a greatness the likes of what created the planet, sends the moon and sun into their orbits and grows great rainforests. That energy that changes everything from summer to fall to winter to spring. That great timeless stuff of the divine.
THERE, within THERE is what I was looking for. The silence, the love, the feeling of being whole and complete and where everything is exactly as it should be.